Material by Inmates - Articles

Letter by a Prisoner to Students by Steven Zehr

Mike Szakszon, Community Intake and Outreach, John Howard Society of Kingston, said: "I have asked Steve Zehr to prepare a letter for school-aged children to assist me in my community education initiative...to illustrate to young children that (life in a prison setting) is not a glamourous one.We then use the letters in conjunction with other material to educate children about the prisons and the criminal justice system." Steve’s letter was also published in Newsletter No. 22 (Feb./2001) of the Pagan Federation/Fédération païenne Canada.

Dear Students,

Hi! I was asked by a friend if I would write you a letter.As a prisoner who has unfortunately spent many years behind bars, he felt I would be able to convey to you why you shouldn't break the law so you don't end up like me.

Throughout the years a great many people tried desperately to help — my parents, family, relatives, friends and teachers, but I thought I know it all and no one was going to tell me the time of day, what did they know?Think about this.Would your parents and teachers who love and care about you intentionally give you bad advice?Would they purposely steer you in the wrong direction?

Someone once told me, "Your parents can be the two best friends you'll ever have."I never gave my parents a chance.You know, there may be times when you don't understand what they're saying or think they don't understand you.This might be hard to believe, but they used to be your age once and they had much the same thoughts of their parents as you do of yours.They experienced the same pains of growing up as you're having now and learned some pretty hard lessonsv Because they love and care about you, they don't want you to go through what they did.They have their place in the sun and only want you to grow up so you can find your place in the sun.

Where did all these people go who tried to help?They've turned their backs on me.Can I blame them.No.vHave you ever tried to help someone who refuses your offer?How long are you going to stand there?Not too long, I would think.My parents, brother and sisters who tried so many times to help and stood by me grew weary of seeing me locked up time after time, the police always at the door, seeing my name in the paper, listening to the whispers of the neighbours, and so on.When you know someone is going to hurt himself, just before it happens what do you do?You turn your head because it is painful to watch, and it hurt them to watch me do it again and again.

There is no one to blame but myself.I had so many chances and threw them all away because I thought I was smart.Have you heard the expression, "Live by the sword, die by the sword"?I've committed many crimes and got away with a lot of them.However, I now find myself in prison for a crime I did not commit and I've been in a little more than 11 years.Such is the life of a criminal.You break the law again and again, you get a bad reputation.People hate and despise you.They say, "Throw away the key."

It has been a long and difficult struggle fighting and clawing my way up from the darkness.Why didn't I just learn from my mistakes?Because as I look back at the destruction, grief and pain I've caused from breaking the law, it makes me sick to know that I am responsible for all of it.Oh, how I wish I could go back to correct my mistakes and tell all those people I'm sorry!It is a heavy burden I will carry for the rest of my life.

I can never go back, but I can move forward.There is a chance I may win my freedom.I have the support of a few friends who have seen the change in me and with their help I may find my place in the sun.

You may be saying to yourself, "What does he know, he's just a jailbird, a criminal, a loser."And you know what?vYou are so very right - except for one little detail.vI have been in prison over 20 years.I know prison and what it can do to a human being.Deep inside me there are raw, ugly, throbbing scars of torment and anguish.Can you hear my silent screams of pain reverberate off these walls like the enraged roar of a wounded beast in the still of the night?That is prison.

Now that you've listened to my story, I want you to cup your hands together and place inside all that I've told you.The horrors of prison, the shame, the broken hearts, the shattered dreams, the intense anger, the black hatred, the empty loneliness, the pain of all those who suffered, and the cold, unforgiving darkness.I want you to look at it.While you look at it, I want you to think.vIt's time for you to make a decision and no one else can decide for you...Think about it real hard — are you ready?

DO YOU WANT TO GROW UP TO FIND YOUR PLACE IN THE SUN OR DO YOU WANT TO BREAK THE LAW AND END UP LIKE ME?SAY 'NO' TO CRIME.

This article was taken up and used by the Federal Chaplaincy in their materials for Restorative Justice Week 2001 in their Spiritual Resource Kit.

Steve subsequently wrote a follow-up letter.

February 24, 2003

Dear Students,

Hi! Having listened to my story, you may be saying to yourself, "What was the matter with him?He had so many chances and he blew it."You’re right.I screwed up, but why?Where did all this anger, the attitude and the self-destruction come from?

It has been almost six years since I wrote my story, and in those six years I have learned quite a bit.Through programs, a psychologist and caring people, one of the things I learned is that my family wasn’t as loving and close-knit as the probation officer had described.I guess my parents didn’t tell him about the verbal abuse, being called a stupid bastard, stupid son-of-a-bitch, etc.Nor did they tell him about the physical abuse, being slapped and punched, and the rest of the hurtful things.I thought this was a normal childhood.

When my parents married, my mother was already four months pregnant.I’m not sure if you will understand this, but back in 1957 when a man got a woman pregnant he did the right thing by marrying her.However, from the time I was born I was my father’s reminder of why he got married and his personal whipping post.There were times I’d pretend I was adopted; it made it easier to accept what was happening to me.

When I was between the ages of 9-13 a relative of the family sexually assaulted me.Why didn’t I tell anyone?vI had no close friends, my first 16 years we moved about 14 times.vWho was I going to tell?My Dad?He thought I was stupid.Besides, I was small; who was going to believe me over an adult?I believed I was stupid.I was a doormat, with no self-confidence or self-esteem.

While hitchhiking when I was about 17 I was sexually assaulted at knifepoint and then thrown into a ditch.vI felt so horrible, ashamed and dirty – I just wanted to die.While my Dad and I were out one day, I wanted to tell him what had happened to me, even at the risk of him getting angry with me.But before I could tell him, he told me why he married my Mom – because he felt sorry for her.

From that time on, I didn’t care what happened to me.I could not get enough drugs or alcohol to drown the pain, to take me to that place where I would not hurt anymore.But every time I woke up and came back to reality, the pain was still there, and sometimes with more problems - I woke up in the strangest places, wondering how I got there, what did I do.Sometimes I remembered; sometimes it was just total blackness.I was a lost soul going nowhere, committing crimes to support my habits, and eventually ending up in prison.

In prison I found acceptance, people I could identify with.It was us against the system – the F.T.W. attitude.But there were a few who wanted my body.I fought and fought.Eventually I didn’t have to fight anymore – they got the hint.As treacherous, cold and brutal as prison was, I felt safe.Safe from the harsh and cruel words of my father, and safe from his fists.While I adjusted to prison I knew there was something broken and twisted inside of me.I went to see the prison psychologist.I told him I had been sexually assaulted.He responded saying, "Sometimes these things happen in prison - what can you do?"v"Not in here, when I was on the street," I told him."Oh!"He asked me a couple of questions, shooed me out of his office and never saw me again What little good was left in me died.I felt no love, warmth or caring, just hatred and anger.

That was almost 30 years ago, and out of all this I may have spent altogether two years out of prison, and much of that was spent in a haze of alcohol and drugs.I realize now my childhood was not one filled with love, patience, understanding and guidance, but was filled with abuse – mental, physical and sexual.I don’t blame my parents, but what happened in my childhood colored my thoughts, feelings, ideas and way of thinking.When you don’t care about yourself and what happens to you, it’s easier to hurt other people.

My poor childhood in no way justifies the harm I have caused.I am responsible.vHowever, because of the work I have done, I now have a clearer understanding of what caused my behaviour.During the past six years it has also been the continued love and support of my friends, and luckily the kind and caring nature of three prison staff, that have enabled me to arrive at this point.

The reason I say "luckily" is, when you are in prison you are seen only as an offender, not a victim.That’s the nature of prison: you’re a criminal and you are here to be punished But what of rehabilitation?That, my friends, begins with you and only you.Not because someone says so or because you get sent somewhere.You alone have to want to change.

Your story may not be the same as mine However, I understand how we hurt inside: All the pain and rage, feeling small, having no voice, our trust violated and our childhood innocence shattered, and the feelings that no one cares or loves us.We abuse ourselves with alcohol, drugs and other substances to hide, cover up and hopefully bury the pain we feel.Some of you have sold your bodies to support your habits and to survive and in those few brief moments some of you may have felt that you were being loved.There may be some of you who want to change and may have already tried, only to have your trust violated again.Whom do you trust?I can’t tell you exactly, but I do know there are people out there who care and will help.I wish I could be there to talk and listen to you.Changing is going to be a tough, up-hill battle, but I believe you can change.I have faith and believe in you.Maybe someday we’ll meet, have a talk and a good cry together, who knows?

What I do know is that committing crimes and being in prison is definitely not the answer.Remember in my last letter I said, "I’m a criminal, jailbird and a loser"?Well, I am no loser and neither are you.With each passing day I’m winning, and the day I’m released I’ll be a winner.You too can be a winner, but you have to give yourself that chance.

In Solidarity,

Steven W. Zehr

Wicca on the Inside by Frank Horgen

Wicca is something that many turn their noses up and it is something that others find an amazing amount of solace in when they just take the time to look within themselves and at the world around them.

Living inside of a prison makes it a little harder to gaze at the world that surrounds us, but it does allow for a person to look within themselves a little longer and with more meaning.Wicca flourishes inside of the walls of a prison and for that it has a tendency of getting bad reviews by those who understand the word 'Pagan' to mean all of the things that we see in movies and on television.

I am a prisoner and have been for a number of years.I discovered the faith of Wicca while within the walls and have reveled in it ever since.I find that I can deal with people on a more understanding level and that all life has meaning, as compared to the belief that I held previous to this discovery.Wicca has helped me to see that magic is real, in that it takes the four elements to come together and create all that we touch and all that we enjoy when we look around at our lives and our experiences.As far as I am concerned, Wicca has more of a chance of seeing me succeed on the outside than any of the institution programs.

Wicca means life, life is a culmination of the four elements, and the four elements combined are magic.Therefore, believing in the magic of life means that I can now truly understand why it is that crime is not something to participate in.Wicca on the inside does lead to understanding and that understanding will translate into how a person deals with life when he or she is finally released.

Just something to consider.

"Letters From Prison" by Shawn Thompson

(published by HarperCollins Canada. ISBN: 0002000865)

The author used to be a journalist in Kingston (and is now a college teacher in B.C.)While in Kingston, he became acquainted with inmates in KP and other area prisons and kept in touch with them by mail.He also has letters from prisoners in the U.S.He compiled this material into his current book.

The volume features a drawing and material from Steven Zehr, who has contributed art, articles and poetry to the PFPC newsletter (some of it reproduced on this site), and material from Frank Horgen (whose article for the PFPC newsletter is reproduced above).Other inmates we visit are mentioned or referred to.In addition, there is an entire chapter on Wiccans in prison, called Magical Times in the Joint, which features inmates from the old Stone Circle at KP, many of whom have now moved down to lower-security institutions.

This is 'must' reading for anyone interested in the prisons, and it gives an interesting insider viewpoint from a variety of prisoners, both here and in the U.S.

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